Shadow Hado

I would just like to apologize to everyone.

I'm sorry that everyone knows me.
I'm sorry that they will read this rant.
I'm sorry that noone will take me seriously.
I'm sorry that no matter what happens from here on out, I won't care the outcome.
I'm sorry that I have lost all hope of ever being happy or content with anything, or, anyone.
I'm sorry that the people who do read this will misjudge me.
I'm sorry that I have never felt so isolated in my young, 21-year old life.
I'm sorry that I don't feel if I struggle on things will get better.
I'm sorry that I will no longer fight the good fight, for I have lost the decisive battle on Wednesday, Nov. 24th.
I'm sorry that some of the people who read this will take me seriously, and try to pry at me.
I'm sorry that I am posting this on the internet on a Saturday night where I would normally be out enjoying the company of friends.
I'm sorry that I just want to break down and cry.
I'm sorry that I have driven myself into debt trying to find material things to move my mind off my problems.
I'm sorry that I know longer have a passion for the key things I have always enjoyed.
I'm sorry that I just want to co-exist with nothingness.
I'm sorry that I am selfish enough to think maybe people will care about this.
I'm sorry that I have lost my will, self esteem, pride, trust, love, and strength in one fall swoop.
I'm sorry that... that I'm just too depressed to try anymore.
I'm sorry that I am treating myself this way, and I see little/no hope. Sorry Nate.
And finally... I'm sorry... cause this isn't a cry for help. This is a cry of defeat.

"What I really meant to say... is I'm sorry for the way... I am..."

Well...

So much to reflect on after yesterday... Worst day ever no lies...

First I would like to say that I am tired of getting phone calls nonstop when I'm not working. People need to learn their job. Don't know how to do something? That's why we get hotmail. Wanna know what the deals are? That's why we get hotmail.

Okay so now back to the matter at hand... Like I said I can honestly say yesterday was probably indeed the worst day of my life... I wake up to a phone call from my DM, who was at my store... accusing me of working 20-25 hours a week, and not coming in some days when I am scheduled to work. WELL THEN... I told him if he doesn't believe me to watch the security tapes and there is proof I am in the store, and that I have no reason to lie to anyone. Well maybe that wasn't good enough? You know, having solid proof? So basically I am again being undermined by someone at my work yet again... only this time I am going to cut the problem out entirely. Well that doesn't really matter right now... what does matter is that my district manager now doesn't trust me... However he came into the store and was absolutely amazed at what we have done and how great the store was. So riddle me this... if the store is that amazing, and that clean, organized, etc... who the FUCK is taking credit for it? Because I can guarantee that 90% of it is from Dan and I, without any doubt in my mind. I have poured everything I have into that store... and this is what I have received in return? Fuck that... So now, I don't know what to think. I don't know if I now have an expiration date, or if he was telling the truth when he said we were starting again from Page 1. I don't believe it... but we will see?

After that... I went to work and no one could ever imagine how full of rage I was... NO ONE... it was like I found out someone killed a good friend of mine and I was about to see the person who did it... I have never felt so... hulked up I guess... Then we got so busy... that's retail, and I expected it... good though, we blew our revenue plan out, that was a good thing.

Well... later that night... things sure did change. Wow I didn't see it coming... I keep kidding myself into thinking that I knew it ahead of time... maybe I did... but even if I did I wasn't prepared in the least. Things are now seen in a whole new light... It's so strange... so sad... so different... and maybe for the better, but it will take time time time to figure that out for myself. I almost didn't go to Thanksgiving today... was not a people person in any sense of the term... Well I am kinda glad that I did, other than the fact that the lackeys at work called me ELEVEN TIMES while I was with the family... I am about to just stop fucking answering my phone. Learn to swim fools, I'm not a floatation device... you have to learn to be able to deal all by yourself... Fuck if anyone calls me like today when I'm on my vacation there WILL be problems. Or, my phone will be off. I'm not gonna deal with that shit, I mean come on... 3 months people... you should have it down by now... and seeing as you are supposed to be reading everything to keep up on it, I shouldn't get a phone call unless something serious is going on. No wonder I go over on minutes.

All in all... coupled with the fact that I don't get along with winter all that well... Someone's gonna put me on watch I'm sure. I could never dream the things that happened yesterday... I just knew I had a bad feeling about work... but the other shit... hello left field... oh it wasn't from you? It was from the parking lot?!? Yeah... blindsided.

And I say thank you for the scars...
And the guilt and the pain...
Every tear I never cried has sealed your fucking fate...
Did you take me for a fool, or were you just too blind to see?...
That every effort made has failed and there is no destroying me...