Sunday, December 05, 2004
Well I don't know where to start.
Tekken 5 is alot of fun, and I try to keep my mind set on it so my mind doesn't wander... but there is always something I see or hear that makes my heart skip a beat and it totally throws me off. I know I am longing for something that is probably never to be. I know I am fighting something that should have been gone a long time ago. No one knows better than I do, and I get so tired of hearing it cause it just makes me think about it more. I do everything I can to let it go. I hang out with people that don't even have ties to this city. I do things I don't normally do. I try to meet new people that I don't know now, I really do try more than most think... I try so hard... :'(
I just wish I could stop feeling like the world is over because of this... I know it's not, I know someday things will be better, and someday I will allow myself to let go. Someday I will be strong. Someday how I think and how I feel will come to agreements with each other. Somehow I will be able to feel the way I think, I will be able to feel that this was all just a waste of time; feeling so sad all the time. One by one, things are changing, and hopefully I too, will change.
I remember who I really am. I remember how I really act, how I really deal with things like this, and how this all began. I am trying harder than ever to become that person again. To feel like I'm not alone... cause realistically, I'm not! I know there are people who are there for me, people who have dealt with the same things I am dealing with, and people who can understand where I am coming from... I just need to let those people help, and stop forcing everyone away so much.
Now really, does this post make any sense? Think about it. "So you're telling me... You know better, you know that you need to let go, you know things will be alright, but you STILL can't feel better?... And you know you should let people help? Well WTF!" Well I think most people should know it's not that easy. It's like knowing you shouldn't buy something, thinking about how else the money could be spent... and buying it anyways. Why? Because you want it. It got ahold of you, you feel attached to it, and you want it.
The more I type, the more I preach... the better I start to feel. But as soon as I leave this keyboard, and something happens that reminds me... I will be back to square one. I guess this is like an impossible game, with infinite continues, so to speak. You KNOW it can be beaten, and you can try as hard as you want, and sometime you will find that cheapness, so to speak. That thing that will let you win. Well that's what I am trying to find. That one thing, that let's me win, that lets me know everything is all right, and that there is no reason for me to go on in the current condition I am in.
Well there's always meds... but that's like using a cheat code. :)
Shadow Hado (currently roughly W172-L83, 4th Dan, All black guitar playin' Hwoarang)
Tekken 5 is alot of fun, and I try to keep my mind set on it so my mind doesn't wander... but there is always something I see or hear that makes my heart skip a beat and it totally throws me off. I know I am longing for something that is probably never to be. I know I am fighting something that should have been gone a long time ago. No one knows better than I do, and I get so tired of hearing it cause it just makes me think about it more. I do everything I can to let it go. I hang out with people that don't even have ties to this city. I do things I don't normally do. I try to meet new people that I don't know now, I really do try more than most think... I try so hard... :'(
I just wish I could stop feeling like the world is over because of this... I know it's not, I know someday things will be better, and someday I will allow myself to let go. Someday I will be strong. Someday how I think and how I feel will come to agreements with each other. Somehow I will be able to feel the way I think, I will be able to feel that this was all just a waste of time; feeling so sad all the time. One by one, things are changing, and hopefully I too, will change.
I remember who I really am. I remember how I really act, how I really deal with things like this, and how this all began. I am trying harder than ever to become that person again. To feel like I'm not alone... cause realistically, I'm not! I know there are people who are there for me, people who have dealt with the same things I am dealing with, and people who can understand where I am coming from... I just need to let those people help, and stop forcing everyone away so much.
Now really, does this post make any sense? Think about it. "So you're telling me... You know better, you know that you need to let go, you know things will be alright, but you STILL can't feel better?... And you know you should let people help? Well WTF!" Well I think most people should know it's not that easy. It's like knowing you shouldn't buy something, thinking about how else the money could be spent... and buying it anyways. Why? Because you want it. It got ahold of you, you feel attached to it, and you want it.
The more I type, the more I preach... the better I start to feel. But as soon as I leave this keyboard, and something happens that reminds me... I will be back to square one. I guess this is like an impossible game, with infinite continues, so to speak. You KNOW it can be beaten, and you can try as hard as you want, and sometime you will find that cheapness, so to speak. That thing that will let you win. Well that's what I am trying to find. That one thing, that let's me win, that lets me know everything is all right, and that there is no reason for me to go on in the current condition I am in.
Well there's always meds... but that's like using a cheat code. :)
Shadow Hado (currently roughly W172-L83, 4th Dan, All black guitar playin' Hwoarang)
